The last six weeks have been a flurry of celebrations, which, as most of us know, is both wonderful and, let's be honest, burdensome. With celebrations come the socially necessary cards, gifts, swooning. Don't get me wrong, when it's my turn to be celebrated, I eagerly lap up as much hoopla as possible. I love me a good celebration. I also sincerely enjoy celebrating others, but the nitty-gritty of it all can be time and money consuming.
But I'm not here to discuss that, really. No, I have a different idea in mind: harass my husband (and, by proxy, all other significant others). This should just always be the goal.
In the last six weeks, Rob and I have attended or celebrated the following:
4 Birthdays
1 Mother's Day
1 Wedding
3 Graduations
1 Birth
These are all wonderful things worth celebrating, lest you think me a horrid hag. However, each one requires a card and a gift.
And who buys these cards and gifts? 9 times out of a 10, I'm willing to bet it's one half of the couple equation- *coughfemalecough*.
Have you ever seen a lady in the card aisle? Have you ever BEEN a lady in the card aisle? I could spend hours there, just picking up card after card evaluating it's usefulness. Well, says my inner self, this one's too sparkly, she's not a sparkly kind of girl. I'd really like one with a dog on it. This message is too long. This message is HILARIOUS, but I think it might offend him. Wait, this could be perfect, but it's $5.99 (pause for my outrage over the price gouging of greeting cards...what the!!?? Seriously? For some sappy words and about 5 cents of materials we have all agreed to pay up to SIX dollars! That's at least two, possible three frozen yogurts with a coupon). Awwww...I love this card! I should buy it for the next time I need a housewarming card (I will promptly lose this card). I'll get this card as a happy surprise for Rob (which he'll open, read, and then toss aside after a polite "thanks babe." Worth six dollars? No. But something happens in my female brain in the card aisle that suspends all common sense).
So after some serious inner-monologing, and being shoved aside by at least three eager card readers, I have grabbed the ten cards I don't need and the one that I do and head to the check out line. Thirty dollars later and I'm ready to start considering the gift.
Is this a gift card occasion? Could be. What kind of gift card does this guy like? Hmm. Well, I think he likes this restaurant, but I'm not sure. Oh dang, that restaurant isn't even an option. Is a visa gift card with money on it too gouache? What about Home Depot? Most guys like home depot, right? But this isn't the right occasion for Home Depot--I should buy a gift card to go with that house warming card I bought at Target (never mind that nobody I know is currently even considering buying a new home). So I do this for a solid 20 minutes, decide to buy the Home Depot gift card and nothing else, and head to my car to try another idea.
Of course at this point there is traffic and I'm cut off by a harried mini van driver, an oblivious trash truck, and some douche in a mustang who thinks that turning out of his apartment complex at top speed (while squealing tires) makes him awesome. I absent-mindedly putt along to my next destination, and accidentally end up beating him there. THAT is awesome.
But you get the point. For one gift I've invested quite a bit of time and thought, hazarded douche bags, bad drivers, pushy card readers and my own lack of common sense. After ALL this, I return home with my prizes and show Rob. His reaction? "Uh Huh."
When it comes time to sign the carefully selected card, I write a thoughtful message and offer it to Rob to sign. He says "Just sign it for me."
Mmm hmm. Right. So I sign it for him, "Rob and Rachel Abijay" lovingly written on the card with my heartfelt message of happiness. But it's all a lie. A big farce that we all BUY into!!? Why do we do this to each other? We ALL know that a gift from "Girl and Boy" really means a gift from girl. That a card from "girl and boy" really means a gift from girl. And all those Christmas presents under your tree? That was girl. All those easter baskets? Also girl (or, to be fair, in gay relationships it means person X because I bet there's one member of that couple who is in charge of gifts and cards, even if it's unspoken).
Last weekend, as we left a graduation gathering, the fella we were celebrating stops Rob and THANKS HIM for the present. What does Rob say back, "oh no problem."
No problem at all Rob. No problem at all.
I'm glad that someone else buys cards too and then loses them. I'm not alone. I wonder how much the card companies make off of us. BTW, my Mother's Day and Father's Day cards are still sitting in my house. I bought them but ran out of the energy to put on stamps to mail them.
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